Did God Make Buttocks for Spanking?
By Chris Dugan
Certain Christian-oriented prospankers claim that if God hadn't intended for all children to be spanked, He wouldn't have given them, proportionately, the largest buttocks of any mammalian species. Other mammals have much smaller buttock muscles, the reasoning goes, because they don't have souls and aren't born in sin.
Those who would claim that the large human gluteals were created by God as an anatomical Ground Zero for spankings are welcome to explain why God Himself has buttocks. How do we know that God has buttocks? Because Adam was an anatomically complete human being and therefore had buttocks, and the Bible says that Adam was made in God's image (Gen. 1:26-27).
God's buttocks could not have been made for spanking because God had no parents. God is also supposed to be perfect in all ways and therefore not in need of punishment. Adam's buttocks could not have been made for childhood spankings because he was never a child. And when God's "children" misbehaved by eating a forbidden snack, they were not spanked by their Heavenly Father but placed in time-out east of Eden (Gen. 3:24). (Indeed philosophical contemplation of reality quickly reveals that if God exists and if He disciplines His earthly children, His preferred discipline technique is obviously "natural consequences").
Some fundamentalist prospankers
argue that children are born with buttocks because every child is born
in sin, thus requiring spankings. But Adam and Eve were not born
in sin. They are supposed to have committed the Original
Sin, well after their "birth" as fully formed humans with the usual posterior
endowments. How could they have been born with buttocks as a result
of an Original Sin which they hadn't even committed yet? Hence, Adam
and Eve's buttocks existed for some other reason besides Original Sin,
and therefore the buttocks of all children can also be assumed to exist
for some other reason (such as maintenance of upright posture, as anatomists